Brandon Getz, 11/21/2016
Current Occupation: Freelance Editor
Former Occupation: Barista
Contact Information: Brandon Getz has an MFA in fiction writing from the Inland Northwest Center for Writers in Spokane, WA. His work has appeared in Versal, Burrow Press Review, The Delmarva Review, and other journals. He lives, writes, and draws robot cartoons in Pittsburgh, PA. Read more at www.brandongetz.com
Memo to the X9 Sales Team
To: Safe-D-Tech LLC X9 Sales Division
From: Marcy Clooney, Vice Director of Sales and Solutions
Re: New X9 Features and Upgrades
Good morning, everybody! Happy Monday! I just want to address some of the questions and concerns that have been floating around our little office regarding the new X-series model, the best we’ve ever offered here at Safe-D-Tech LLC: the safe and indestructible X9! I want to assure you that the concussive disabling system, though it struggled a little in the beta phase, has been 100% redesigned and is functioning to its maximum potential. I know we’re all very sorry about what happened to Roger in the Testing Lab (I know I am!). There’s a card for his family at the security desk, and we encourage everyone to sign their name and a brief message to his wife and kids. We are very sorry for their loss.
Regarding the infrared targeting feature now standard on the X9 models, yes, there are still some kinks to work out. As you know, the X9 is programmed with the individual heat signatures of each of its clients. The X9 remains vigilant night and day for heat signatures that do not match those on file in its client-exception database. What a great feature! Allison, don’t you agree that this feature is pretty amazing, that technology like this—right here at Safe-D-Tech LLC—exists? Well, of course you don’t, because you’ve been suggesting to families interested in the X9 to opt out of this amazing feature because you’re concerned that there will be another Cincinnati Incident. That was one bad apple, Allison. That was one bad infrared targeting system. Actually, it was a great infrared targeting system. It was the best. But how was it to know that the teenage son was a smoker? How could it know that the lighter flame wasn’t part of an Intruder-Terrorist heat signature bent on massacring the family it was built to protect? The X9 can’t know that (wouldn’t it be great if we had that technology!). Instead of telling prospective clients about the Cincinnati Incident (which, we’re pretty sure, you signed a legal document stating you’d never mention it?) and crying in front of frightened families in need of safe and reliable home security, Allison, we suggest that you strongly urge X9 buyers to quit smoking. For their own health and safety.
There have also been some concerns about the fortification upgrades and self-implanting defensive protocols. What an improvement from the X8! These features are the hallmark of Safe-D-Tech LLC security and defense systems! What was the limitation of an X8 system? Answer: that it could only be in one place at any time. (If a client asks, however, there are no limitations to any X-series system—Sales Representatives commenting on the limitations of Safe-D-Tech LLC merchandise might find themselves with extra—read: infinite—vacation days! Ha-ha) With the updated fortification and defensive protocols, the X9 can secure an entire perimeter from potential burglars, Intruder-Terrorist elements, pest infestations—anything that doesn’t match the pre-encoded client-exception patterns in the X9’s database of Approved Persons. Andrew and Gretchen, we understand your concern for the well-being of family pets! Pets are amazing and can really make a house a home. I myself used to have a bulldog named Trevor, and I loved his fat little face! However, at this time, we recommend that all clients who are serious about the health and safety of their families remove pets from their homes prior to X9 installation.
To Jennifer, who accused her hardworking colleagues on the Safe-D-Tech LLC Sales and Solutions team of “exploiting a culture of paranoia” to sell “deathbots”: Jennifer, I’m sorry you feel/felt that way! Safe-D-Tech LLC is 110% committed to the health and safety of our clients, providing peace of mind as well as thirty-seven lethal and nonlethal solutions of neutralizing Intruder-Terrorist elements, each of which can be personalized according to the unique Programmable Presets we offer in the Personalization Package! Jennifer, have you or your loved ones ever been harmed? Has your home ever been violated by a person or persons intent on perpetrating some terrible thing? Have you lain awake at night in the fear that they may strike at any moment, undermining the safety and happiness of your family, for which you have spent a significant (but competitive, based on our market analysis) amount of your hard-earned dollars? We at Safe-D-Tech LLC do not want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. Unless, of course, the client has selected the nuclear upgrade for his or her brand new X9.
Jennifer, however, isn’t reading this memo because she recently received a long-overdue transfer from Sales to the Testing Lab. There’s a card for her family at the security desk, and we encourage everyone to sign their name and a brief message to her parents and husband. We are very sorry for their loss.
For those of you who’ve been asking about the X10, let me assure you: it’s going to be great! Even more standard features than the X9, including customizable armor painting to match any home interior. I’d tell you all more, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise! Also, legally, I can’t. Suffice to say, vis-à-vis warehouse capacity and profit-margin paradigms and market share re: the market of automated home-security and defense systems, our team has to step it up! Get those X9s out there! Sell your hearts out! Don’t even worry about the X10. The X10 will sell itself.