Angel Interpreter/Angelologist, 12/7/2009

Fact: Somebody gets paid to talk to angels. Fact: That somebody need not be a church leader, trained and/or certified in any way. Fact: That same person who talks to angels believes you are guided and watched at all times by these angels. Even when you pick your nose.

Believe what you will. Angels are referenced in The Bible, The Torah and The Koran. And ghosts are featured in spiritual believes all around the world. However, on the one hand we have religion, spirituality and tradition then, on the other hand, there are scams. Angelology may be one of the best scams since the Fox Sisters rhythmically cracked their toes and claimed the snapping sounds were those ephemerals speaking from the afterlife.

Rudolf Steiner, the man who gave Madame Blavatsky a run for her money, invented many new “traditions”. Waldorf schools are based on his teachings. Bio Dynamic farming is entirely his doing. Steiner believed stuffing a cow horn with manure and tinctures that was buried for a year then dug up and the resulting slime sprinkled about a plot of land, the land would produce heartier crops. Some farmers and urban gardeners (pay more attention to your neighbors, people) swear by this arcane, ritualized hybrid fertilizer.

Thanks to Steiner, you too can be an Angelologist. All you have to do is have nerve enough to tell people what they want to hear: your deceased family member loves you and has moved up the spiritual chain of command, chartered with the duty of protecting and guiding you. As an Angelologist you look for signs. Most Angelologists believe angels are invisible, what with their being of the spirit world. But, you’re in luck, as the occasional angel is reported to manifest and when the angel does you’ll know you have a real whopper of a talk.

Now that you’re ready to lift some cash out of misguided wallets, here’s a bit of lingo to get you through rough patches. Steiner said Angels exist. Using crypto-Darwinian notions, there is a triad of hierarchies. We’ve got God (‘Holy Trinity’ if you’re into that) and God’s, of course, above the hierarchy. Then there’s the first order which includes Seraphim and Cherabim and Thrones. Second order has motion, wisdom and form. Third and final order includes zietgeist, archangels and angels. After that you get man, flora, fauna, terra, womyn and grrls. Us apes don’t register in the triad, got it? You might wonder, what’s the difference between archangels and angels? I’ll tell you. I don’t know. Angels are guides, archangels are “spirits of races” but most people consider them guides as well. Archangels seem more in charge of passing messages to God. But apparently regular angels do too.

Okay, so we have the triad. When a human dies, Steiner said, the human becomes an angel. Unless the person was involved in self-reflection and lived an “in-dependent inner life”, in which case the spirit may climb the hierarchical triad.

All well and good, but how do we SEE the angels? How do we SPEAK with them? In exactly the way Harry Houdini tried to speak to his mother.

The most popular suggestion is to sit quietly and allow the angel’s presence to be felt.

The second most popular suggestion is to use Angel Cards – which are something you can make yourself or you can buy from your fellow hack snake-oil salesmen. Angel Cards are similar to Tarot. Images on cards represent words, feelings, ideas. The cards are shuffled or drawn from a deck based on the “vibe”. It’s all very scientific. I once saw an interview in which someone claimed the “vibe” has something to do with quantum physics.

Workshops to be “certified” as an Angelologist range anywhere from free (you may consider this article your first lesson, subsequent lessons are gonna cost ya. Email workzine@gmail.com for more info.) to four hundred dollars. Or you can pick up Steiner’s classic text: The Spiritual Beings in the Heavenly Bodies and the Kingdoms of Nature from the library (published 1912, back when they knew a LOT about science).

For those of you looking to strengthen your human-to-angel bond, this link has prayers and requests so you can learn your angel’s name, cleanse your angel, and heal your angel.

Some great living angels are:

• P’Taah
• Mysticangel and messages from the divine

And the dodahs of all angelologists:

• Judith MacNutt
• William Bloom
  

Good luck channeling the dead-un-dead! (JMM)