Alyssa Clang, 12/3/2018

Current Occupation: HR for tech startups by day, poet and novelist by night
Former Occupation: more HR for more tech startups.
Contact Information: Alyssa is a native New Englander currently residing in California, where she drops 'r's and Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes with alarming regularity. She enjoys rhythmic verse, flash fiction, global soccer, and Oxford commas.

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The Ballad of Silicon Valley

 

I'm sick of meeting trust fund boys who think they're Raymond Carver

Writing nihilistic garbage while they disappoint their fathers

At their nepotistic desk jobs where they claim to feel like ‘frauds’

'Cause they'd rather be in college spiking beer cans in the quad

 

That's why they go get MBAs at Wharton, Booth, and Tuck

They're not in it for the knowledge, they're deferring growing up

The last thing the Valley needs is yet another class of 'Masters'

Who’ve been taught to shun stability and bet on scaling faster

 

I'm sick of nodding quietly while speaking to VCs

No, "speaking" implies back-and forth; they always talk AT me

You can't get a word in edgewise when conversing with a man

Who's convinced that he's worth billions and that you're a fawning fan

 

But the joke's on him, and all of them, they're wrong more than they’re right

Their portfolios tank just as fast as those of neophytes

If you think about just a bit it's not far-fetched to reason

You'll do better if you bootstrap than take money from Andreesen

 

I'm sick of engineers who think they've built the world from scratch

Just because they know some C++ and sold one shitty app.

"I'm entitled to $300K," they'll tell me on the phone,

"and I don't want a manager, I'm perfect on my own."

 

I'll curse them out all day, but they’ve got power in this deal

Because no one can pay less than that if Snap and Google will

These "talent wars" we claim to fight are brought upon ourselves

Why pony up for jerks? Just hire anybody else.

 

I'm sick of being told that I don't care and I don't listen

Just because I think there's more to life than user acquisition

And that half the stuff we build out here just hurts more than it helps

When it glues us to technology and wrecks our sense of self

 

Moving fast and breaking things for businesses to thrive

Becomes pretty damn macabre when we're breaking people's lives

And this crazy cast of characters thinks little of effects

Yet we trust them with our content, with our data, with what's next?

 

That whiny MBA? He's selling access to your shit.

That VC that you want to slap? He's funding all of it.

That cut-rate engineer? He's off reducing latency

For the global corporations robbing you of agency

 

Think different, don't be evil, it all sounds good on its face…

but like most tech infrastructure, the whole backend's a disgrace.