Adina Ferguson, 1/7/2019

Current Occupation: writer w/ a day job in higher ed administration
Former Occupation: same as above
Contact Information: Adina Ferguson is a proud DC native, and the author of the essay collection, I Don’t Want to be Your Bridesmaid. Her work has been published in Nia Magazine, Soar, The Avenue, The Underemployed Life and more. You can find her at www.adinathewriter.com, on IG @adinathewriter, or on the couch watching Martin reruns.

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How to Use a Vacuum Cleaner in a Fishbowl

Step1: Spot black bug on cream-colored wall next to your desk.

Step 2: Stare at it until co-worker carefully examines and determines, “Umm, that’s a roach.”

Step 3: Grab newspaper from recycle bin and smush bug to death.

Step 4: Watch it slide down the wall in slow motion.

Step 5: Jump back.

Step 6: Guide roach down onto ugly brown patterned carpet with the newspaper.

Step 7: Lose sight of it and stare at the carpet like it’s an ink blot.

Step 8: Lose hope.

Step 9: Watch as same co-worker immediately finds bug and points.

Step 10: Ask, “Where? I don’t see it.”

Step 11: Watch him point harder.

Step 12: Lose more hope.

Step 13: Bend down and locate the enemy.

Step 14: Attempt to scoop it into the newspaper.

Step 15: Fail.

Step 16: Hear office door open and feel a force stare at you.

Step 17: Have an out-of-body encounter and watch things unfold.

Step 18: Listen to the force as it speaks. “So, you’re just going to leave it on the floor?”

Step 19: Respond with a matter-of-factly, Yes”.

Step 20: Feel guilty, feel stupid, feel like this isn’t your damn house.

Step 21: Obey the force’s command and get dusty vacuum cleaner from the closet.

Step 22: Search for power button for what feels like forever.

Step 23: Watch as snooty force finds button that was right in your face.

Step 24: Roll your eyes as force asks, “What did you get your degree in?”

Step 25: Proudly remind the room, “English”.

Step 26: Suck roach into vacuum, return it to closet, wash and dry hands.

Step 27: Sit ass back down and ask for a raise (in your head).

 

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 An Unfortunate Tuesday in the Registrar’s Office   

“I’m Being charged for something and I want to know why.”

“Have you been in touch with the Bursar’s Office?”

“Yes, and they transferred me to you.”

“How much is it for?”

“$65.”

“What’s your ID number?”

Student recites number.

“It’s for an application fee.”

“Why am I being charged if I’m not taking classes?!”

“That doesn’t matter. Anyone who submits an application is charged the fee.”

“But I’m not enrolled.”

Internal sigh.

“They have to review your application. That’s the first step. I can transfer you to Admissions if you like. They assess the app fee.

“Yes, please.”